Tuesday, January 20, 2004
sitting here in something
i am sitting here, just got online after watching tv since 9 a.m.
i normally would have gotten on sooner but, to be honest i was afraid to for sme reason. i woke up in a deep depression. i don't know why i can't do that typical depression thing where you stay in bed and mope, but i can't. although i do mope.. but in my own way. depressed people are ery volitile people especially when they were already that way before depression sets in. i don't want life right now. i wrote a good song as my computer was starting up.. guitar and bass parts that is... i can't write lyrics because i don't know how. i'm not a lyrical mind i suppose.. i'm sitting here in a sunroom lit only by the dimming sunlight and the computer screen. in the hearing perspective i hear the tv in the next room and the humming of the fan within the computer tower. the light from the screen is shining upon the keys that i'm striking to type this entry and also covering my front.
i called mike to ask him to help me put the rest of this song together in hopes of getting away from this computer and foresaken domain which i regret to call home at times like this. mike said he was heading home to set up his new bow flex and if he had time he would call me and maybe swing by. before he said this, i had told him that the day previous to today was quite a difficult day for me and that i was still not having a good time with myself. he seemed a little concerned and that made me feel a bit better.. but not all that much. i think tellng people that you are having a bad time is much more releiving sometimes than posting on hree may be.
i can't help but wonder if naomi thinks of me badly. i mean... what made her say those things to me in such a hurtful way? am i really that bad? what she said really makes me want to leave this all behind. i don't believe in life after death or any of that, but right now i want to... anything would be better than living like this. i hate myself and it just seems like every one else hates me to, if not in whole, in some small way. i cannot help being me... and no one likes me... not even myself. i used to cut crosses into my hands and lick the blood and weild the scars proudly. now i look at those scars and wonder why i never moved further down my arm and slit a main artery. i don't really wonder.. just wish i had done it. no matter how much i hate life i can't kill myself because i am always wondering what might go wrong or who might be happy if i did die... if some one wants me to die it makes me want to live.. just to make them unhappy. is that all my life is? making others unhappy to spite them? i don't know.. some people say i make them happy.. naomi said that once i think.. but now i can't believe that.... so what is my life? i know i'm the only one that could answer this.. but i doubt i ever will.
some might say that the greatest musical artists were depressed people. do i have to live life like this to be great?
Posted at 1/20/2004 6:13:37 pm by
risqueminds
Monday, January 19, 2004
i no longer know what i am..... only what i can't have.
i can't have happiness
i can't have attention
i can't have my own outlooks without being crazy
i can't have sanity
i can't have her
i can't have any one
i can't have respect
i can't have a depressed state of mind
i can't have what i need most
i can't have a future
i can't have motivation
i can't have good times
i can't have normality
i can't have time to be myself
i can't have my own little space
i can't have anything anymore
you mask it all as positive ideals, letting inside the unknown deals
why can't i just have some things, why can't i just grow wings
get away from here or else i'll pop, and all that will be left of us is drippings from a mop
I can't seem to understand what it is that makes me tick, but i know that some day you will remember me as a dick. that's the last poetic rhyme i'm allowed... everything has been taken away and i no longer know what i am. i will be formed into what they want, ever growing i know i should resist.
this means nothing, just pay no attention> i never said i can't have death.
Posted at 1/19/2004 4:10:03 pm by
risqueminds
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Blah, i have a bunch of shit to do by friday... this fuckign sucks... i'm high and it isn't helping with my determination to do anything but sit infront of the computer and talk to people. i'm starting to get the munchies... i feel fuzzy inside and i want to snuggle.. i want to hang out with just Mary for once.. she is cool ... she gives me whiskers :")
mike gets paranoid though.. thinking her and i are going to fuck or something.. he says it's because i stole one of his GFs before... i think it's more of the fact that he is jelious that i get more positive attention from girls than he does.... either way he is dumb for worrying. Mary doesn't think of me sexually or look at me like that and he knows it.. but he is still all paranoid about it. he had no feelings for the gf i took from him andi knew that so it isn't a big deal.. he has always loved Mary.
So... onto a different topic of tonight...........................................
i've been talking on excite chat a lot lately, and i have met a bunch of kool people.. and we all get along well.. it's koo. deffinitely more fun than sitting and staring at windows media player while listening to music.. lol.
Blah.. i'm tired of thinking.. i think i'ma tune my electric guitar up and go sit in my room.. maybe scrape my bowl.. or drink some booze.. yes.. i'm an alcoholic folks...
Hmm, cigarettes are fucking yummy you know that? .. how you likin my color scheme? lol. i have to piss and go upstairsnow.. bye bye.Posted at 1/14/2004 4:11:10 am by
risqueminds
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Well, i had my little graduation party.. if you could call it that. Nikki ended up ditching the whole thing.. she didn't stay home like i asked and i think she was avoiding the phone at all costs. that's her loss though, because i got fucking blitzed out of my mind and i am high right now.. have been for.. almost 24 hours now.. 4 more hours til that.
So yeah , the other day i had a dream about shrooms... it was weird.. i don't remember it all anymore but i remember that i was in a foreign country and i was getting a big bag of shrooms from this guy.
Before i went to sleep that nght i had gotten into it with Mike.. we exchanged a few choice words and opinions and well .. i was thinking to myself about how to solve the conflict. well i thouht of wrestling him to the ground which i figured would mean he had to stop being an asshole. and i was thinking about both of us just punching one another and getting over it. it really was a stupid arguement.. the only thing is that i have such an outragious temper that i wanted to kill him for a few hours after the whole thing happened.
i'm having um.. yeah kielbasa fer din din with mached taters and sweet corn.. yum yum ~drools~
Posted at 1/11/2004 7:27:53 pm by
risqueminds
Thursday, January 08, 2004
fuck this world and the horse it rode in on
Ok, i wanna know one thing... what is so wrong with me that i cant seem to keep a boyfirned or a firned. i mean seriously...! i can never keep anything that is i love close to me. am i to ugly, and i just to crazy? i know im crazy but sometimes... i just want to end everything sometimes... just stop my hurt, my laughter, my smilling and my anger, depression and my life altogether. sometimes i think people would be alot happier without me in their lives. they say no no i love you and you mean so much to me, but their other words and actions suggest otherwise... can i end it?
Posted at 1/8/2004 11:31:57 pm by spinal_tapped
I had another weird fucking dream.. i was in an unknown room, it had a tv in it and i was laying on a couch when my ex-girlfriend jessica came in. her mother was alredy in the room but i hadn't noticed until jessica came in. jessica brought with her a portable insect aquarium that had spiders and crickets in it. her mother was watching tv and i started kissing jessica. soon i was playing with her pussy and she stopped me saying her mother would see. i stopped and got up and talked to her mom. when i turned around jessica had a spider out of the container and she was playing with it. i asked what she had and she said it was spiders so i immediately grabbed a can of bug spray to kill them but jessica was smoking and the bug spray caught on fire. i put the flame out and she had put the spiderback so i didn't kill it. i sprayed the entire bug aquarium trying to kill the spiders. i told her to get the fuck out and then i woke up.
now once again.. i went to www.freakydreams.com and typed in all that shit.. and once again.. the interpretation was so accurate that it is starting to make me wonder about things. i think that dream was one of those two parters.. you know.. where you wake up in the middle but some how pick the dream back up right where you left off..
i hate fucking bugs man.. eesh.. not because i'm afraid of them.. i used to be an arachniphobic when i was younger.. but now i just hate bugs.. they are nasty.. it freaks me out to think that they lay eggs on food, in your ears, you eat them in your sleep.. it's just nasty.. so i try to kill them before they get to my food and my ears lol... they are very unclean most of them and transmit deseases. don't get me wrong.. i'm not a huge sissy when it comes to being around bugs.. i just prefer killing them.. if i see a fly in my house.. 9 times out of 10.. i hunt it down.
i currently have what might be called an infestation of those japanese lady bug lookin things.. and well.. for a while i let them live.. jsut brushed them away from my door all summer right.. well now they are all over inside my fucking house... mercy for bugs no longer applies here. and for all you cutesy chicks who like to let bugs live because "they can't hurt you" ... get a clue.. they are like humans.. if you give them an inch.. they will take over your life bit by bit untill you can't take a step without crushing atleast one of the little fuckers.
Posted at 1/8/2004 7:18:41 pm by
risqueminds
The love who hurt me joins the fun?
I invited my love, Nomi, as i call her.. to post on this page with me.. i hope she does.. it would make me feel good.. not sure exactly why.. i guess i just want some one i care about to share in here with me and stuff.. ~shrug~ i am dumb i suppose.
Posted at 1/8/2004 2:37:19 am by
risqueminds
[02:06] mike: my cig fell out of my mouth as i took a piss... landed on the toilet seat. i reached down to pick it up,. and pissed all over the place
[02:06] "Nothing can stop me now, because i don't care anymore.." Trent Reznor of NIN: lmao
[02:06] mike: my piss put out the cig
^^^^^^
That is fucking classic man.. lol.. he is so fucking drunk lol.
Posted at 1/8/2004 2:06:57 am by
risqueminds
Reminiscent perhappiness?
I was speaking with Mike earlier and he mentioned the yearbook from our school. so i pulled it out and started looking through it.. and i will admit.. i ws looking at the signatures.. very few students signed it.. compaired to the number of staff that is.. and i feel kinda sad about that... was i that much of a prick that year? yes i was.
that was pointed out to me by students and staff the following year. and i made more friends my last year there.. but i got kicked out and put on home study.. which only bothers me for a couple reasons.. which are: i miss the responsibility of waking up and riding the bus, and being able to go play music for an hour and a half and get credit. and i also enjoyed some of the students there.. some were really fun to fuck with .. lol.. i went to a school for psychotic teens and teens with learning dissabilities.. but.. it was fun sometimes.. ofcourse.
anyway, asi was looking through the year book... i was noticing some faces and remembering some past happenings.. some good.. some bad.. and it was nice.. even the bad memories.. memories should be charished.. even by ex-potheads like me who still smoke on occassion and happen to have shitty remembering skills lol.. i saw a few ex-girl friends.. a few ex band mates... a few ex friends.. a few new friends.. and maybe one or two chicks i never got to fuck that i wanted to.. that sucks lol.
that year i was on the yearbook team.. you know.. i had a very large part in making the whole yearbook.. alog wiht my better than he was then friend Mike.. yep.. we hated eachother for a long time because i stole his gf... she ended up being a waste of my time.. lets leave it at that for now lol. anyway, that year.. there was a contest for the best yearbook cover.. and if mine hadn't been so violent and aggressive.. they said i would have won.. but Mike won.. his was a giant american flag.. keep in mind.. Mike is a kiss ass.. he really pisses me off sometimes.. but.. oh well.. every one pisses me off lol. anyway.. the only reason he made it a flag is because it was the teachers idea.. sort of.. anyway.. it was the year right after the whole 9-11 thing.. and the school favored his over mine
none of that mattered to me as much as having MY cover on MY yearbook.. so i had my design made just for my yearbook.. so .. i got what i wanted in the longrun i suppose.. though i still think it's bullshit that the staff have say over the students choice.
Posted at 1/8/2004 1:41:39 am by
risqueminds
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Why are you away? .... who the fuck asks such dumb questions? i mean.. hmm lemme think.. ever think i might be set as away because i am not there? or maybe i just don't want to be bothered? and what do you do.. you ask stupid shit like that.. oye.. please let me kill them all.. please.. i swear i will do it well.. just supply the bullets and flammables and the explosives.... grrr..............................................................................................................................did i meantion i have my tongue peirced? yeah i like it.. it is fun... heh heh
Posted at 1/7/2004 7:42:20 pm by
risqueminds
