seems like everything is just falling apart slowly... ever since birth.... i don't have much time to live here anymore.... my father will be kicking me out soon.. which brings me to a fork in the road of life... i either sit and waste my life like i have been or i get off my ass somehow and get a fucking job... the job is seeming less and less of a disturbance.. but all the other responsibilities are overwhelming... and i think i may change my mind about not getting online ever again... bye for now.

i'm falling apart.... i keep getting told that i am not myself anymore.. and i would agree... relationships shouldn't change people.. or.. lack of them.. whichever.. where there is emotional involvment.. there is a chance of confusion and depression. relationships are evil.. useless inconveniences that only cause trouble in life.. and for those of you who think i'm wrong.. just shut up... i don't care what you have to say.  i will kill, i will die.. i will end up.. all alone and with no one to hold me. i hate and hate without the pain i would be fine.. would be me again.. would that be better?  i don't remember... i hate it all.. and need only a knife before i fall apart completely and kill all in site.. i'm going mad from this all and i can't get it out..

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i don't want love... it seems repulsive anymore... it has no point.... I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck the search.. i love music and cats.. that is the extent of my life it seems.. i will probably end up killing myself sooner or later anyhow. it seems only enevitable.. blink blink blink.. cursor again.. sorry.... anyway.. fuck woman, fuck relationships... fuck it all... i just don't want it anymore. and as far as tabitha goes... i guess it was a stupid thing of me to get into... same for all of the emotional attachments i ever formed for girls.... i'm going home... and i'm going to call mike.. and i'm going to write a song.. i probably wont get on the computer much anymore.. don't see a point.. (sorry ally and every one else). another thing i will do when i get home is laundry.. and then job search... for serious this time.. tired of being nagged and supported.

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i guess this is bye.... for who knows how long.. instead of leaving a response on here.. since i wont be checking it anytime soon.. call me if you wish... if oyu don't know my number.... i guess you either don't care enough to keep track of it or i didn't tell you... if i didn't tell you.. you didn't ask or i refused to tell you.. in which case of the refusing.. you aren't important enough to me to be calling me in the first place or even cared for enough to care if you call for that matter... in any case.. i don't expect the phone to ring off the hook.. i don't expect any one to call.. so feel free to neglect the phone matter.. i could care less about what youhave to say.. if you are naomi.. the message below this next line is for you.

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naomi, i guess it just wasn't supposed to be like most things right? i doubt we will ever talk again.. i don't really expect you to call.. don't know what you would call for in the first place.. either way.. good luck in life.... shit happens.. and i just take part in it... i cause every one greef at one point anyway.. hope you don't hate me for the asshole that i am. sorry i led you on.. and sorry if i made things difficult for you in anyway... you did your share too though.

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onto the ending of this entry.. if i die or kill myself anytime soon.. get over it.. -blink blink blink- cursor.. wanna know something? the thoughtof some one remembering me after death is disturbing as all fuck.. so forget about me.. as if that would be a problem anyway right? i'm not sure how long this thing will stay open.. so.. yeah.. lol.. tough shit.. if i'm dead i wont be able to care anyway. and yes.. i guess it is a bit pathetic that i am so depressed over such things.. but.. it is not just the recent happenings.. it's a whole bunch of shit throughout my life..recent sit just adds to it. i hate you all.. get over it.. call me if you must.

well, this may end up to be a very long blog entry. lets start off with..friday last week.
Tab picked me up and we came back to her home. things were ok .. fuzzy memory ..anyway.. i had already liked her from when i had been talkingto her on the phone for about 2 weeks or so. so when i saw her.. i really thought she was beautiful... even though she probably wouldn't agree. any way.. we got back to her place and it was.. i guess just like any other first time at someone's house for me ..i suppose..anyway.. i think the whole ting started online and basically progressed from there on... soto speak.

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anyway, onto the other bits. we faced the fact that we were both attracted to eachother and liked eachother. this being the third day now..  i was really stressed about the whole possibility of having a serious relationship with her. she had basically stated (as far as my memory serves me) that the relationship would only be something more if she saw me fit to be in her childs life..or something like that. so .. basically.. i was being mean to her kid .. really mean.. for the first like.. 4 days of being at her place.. well Tab and i had a talk and it got a lot off my mindand i chilled.. and as far as i know i have been being nicer to her kid.. but now i can't keep from having her upset with me for something.. at this current time.. she is sleeping.. and i would be but i seem to of done something.. or not answered something and she doesn't want to talk about it.. she wont tell me..  so .. once again.. the guy is clueless.... the guy being me..and it is just really upsetting.. i'm sure it is for her too..but i just think one of us is totally over reacting over something.. over all.. i just don't know what is  going on.. we go to lover's lane today right.. well.. blah blah ..i got upset.. we got over it.. i think.. i don't read minds.. anyway.. the whole relationship thing... is frustrating.. and i really want to know if we can make this work.. but it wont work unless we get over these common beginning spats by working together and talking.

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i enjoy being around her.. and i can understand that she has a lot on her mind.. so i try my very best not to over react and like.. freak out completely.. but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR lol.. i have never done a relationshio like this before and all of this is really different to me..some of it i like.. some makes me want to blow my head off.

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This whole thing i  guess.. it just makes me so confused at times... like right now.. i don't know that just because i am getting tired i should go lay down next to her.. and second of that.. i'm not sure i could sleep anyway if i did...because i have a feeling everything would just come back to me again and i would end up laying there staring at things all day/night. and now i am just staring at the computer screen... watching the cursor blink... oh.. almost forgot..

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Tab's sister.. she is really kool.. i am helping her with her website back ground shit at the time .. i have a feeling i wont get to help her with anything else... just a fear.. a fear of not being here again to help.. i just hope it's just me being paranoid as ussual.... i hate having my thoughts.. they fucking blow Mike's nasty ass.. and since i didn't mention all that much about the kid.. she is a handfull..all kids are for some people. she is a good kid at heart i think.. she is cute and really funny sometimes.. and i think i'm going to end this because the computer is actinglike it may freeze. 

last night Nikki and Frank came over with two other guys and they got me high as fuck for my birthday. Frank said something that was sort of touching.. he said he missed playing music with me. i had always figured he didn't like the way i played. we jammed a little in the comp room... my god i can't play with people anymore! lol.. i need to get back into the loop, ofcourse.. it may also have been because i was so stoned i was hearing notes that don't exist.. lol.

it's nice to have friends like nikki who are nice and care, because it really helps me with my depression. since i'm in the topic of people... let's discuss Tabitha for a moment. Tabitha is a really kool chick, she may not always have time online to pay attention to my every word, but.. i understand, so it isn't as bad as it would be if she did it in a way that seemed intentional. i mean.. don't get me wrong, it bugs me... but.. i get over it most of the time. i can't figure out how to talk to her without being the me that only new people see most of the time.. i just can't seem to open up emotionally to her enough to relax enough. This whole thing with her and Ian.. where Ian gets jelious of me talking to her on the phone or watching the cam while i talk to her.. (i guess that is what upsets him anyway) is just confusing.. i mean.. he would have to be really insecure about her (which i could understand.....) to get jelious of ME.. kinda.. shocking for me.. he know something i don't?
Tabitha says my voice is relaxing.. she isn't the only one who has said that either.  .. i hate my voice.. i think most people hate their own voice though.

so yeah, after Nikki left i ended up watchng Finding Nemo stoned.. kool movie.. better stoned lol. they are right.. the turtle is on something.  damned disney movies and the subliminal messages lol. then after the movie i slipped in a porno.. jerked off and shoveled the end of the driveway. lol


well.. the end is near.. i'm running out of topics of choice for now.. maybe i will log more later like i do sometimes lol.  

Life sucks a big one you know? Im so ready to graduate its not even funny, and then zac thinks im ignoreing him when i havent been! i havent been home to ignore anyone! im turning suicidal every day... more and more everyday. People just... they disgust me. They cant keep their mouth shut about anything. If they hear it from a "reliable source" it must be true.... damn late for work again... ill write more later... and possibly a poem or two... just like my baby zac ^_^ *kisses and hugs*

Nomi